No One Is Listening Anyways

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 17:03:36 GMT

remember... i changed my livejournal name.... mommy_please

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:20:13 GMT

Umm.. my new....errr...old... name is being recycled with an underscore due to me not beig able to dig up my old name...

SO.... for those who wish to find me... My new livejournal name is mommy_please

Have fun. I never liked this current name too much. Why did I change it.

add my mommy_please name...and you shall be added back.

::: good, I get to dress up and play the assasin again :::

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 15:53:40 GMT

And to tell the truth, I was glad to have left. Not because of anything in peticular. I just did not have an urge to party. I wanted peace and quiet. I wanted loneliness. So that I can go on and feel sorry for myself again. I seem to be good at that.

And what else is throbbing me and my skull, can't quite be written on here, because I don't know how to word it. And chances are, I will ,most likely, look like a bastard.

I was pleased though last night when Ian walked in the door with a big hug. I've always cared for Ian. He's just a genuine person, and great to have long conversations with.

All in all it was a nice day, but it had barely any relaxation. So now, once again, at home. Watching the, twokids, again. Drowning out their words with my insane amount of emo acoustic. Bless the fact that the music can bring tears to my eyes, and put me in a lonely mood within 4 seconds. I miss it.

I miss a lot of things.

oh dear god I dont see the light

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 15:59:01 GMT

My alarm didnt go off. Babysitting some other kid today. Along with dakota. Which makes things easier. They play together.

I decided that maybe a nice cup of tea would warm me up, make me sleep easier...jsut one cup... then that one turned into two..and that, into three. So I lay awake, when at 1:20 in the morning I get a message on the phone. Tom. Glorious Tom.

We talked a tad over instant messenger. It made me at ease. And after an hour or so of talking, I slowly fell asleep. I missed him quite a bit.

I get payed today. I work today. from 3 to 5 or so. Depends on whether i feel like actually working.

It'll be alright. It'll be alright. It'll be alright.

I'm a slight bitch tired. Love it or leave it. I put more tea into my system though. I've lost weight. I'm looking for it. I can't find it. Only a few lbs. Wish it was more.

But thats what this upcoming season is for. Skating. I'll lose weight. I found out that Nadja is skating this season too. So we've decided to start training together. God knows I need to work on my distance. I'm a sprinter...who has long distance races. Not a good combo. Anyways, training. I'm thinking the orting trail, or the BPA trail. Something with hills, and miles. BPA has hills. Orting has miles.

My head is aching.

Umm... aly and danielle...what are you and that girl and cam doing tuesday night. I still need to see if my dad has wednesday off. If so... I'm thinking...Tea Party SleepOVER!!!!!!?!?!???! oh fuck.

For the last time take a good hard look. I'm not ok.

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 05:23:21 GMT

what the hell. what the hell. what the hell. AGHA!! bug on screen. played video games nonstop today. what the hell.

Tom... hasnt called..so im guessing...hes not home. hell. what the hell. I did absolutely nothing today. i..sat on my ass. all day. it feels a bit flatter i must say.

whats going on with mel and cam. interesting. yet....wierd...i miss mel. you should find a way out here for the tea party. Really...you should.

oh..and danielle..or aly...I only have 4 fucking cups.. and theres 6 people. well...i mean..i have others...but they dont match and have that...hella tacky look to them... oh well... so..im thinking in the evening if it works for you guys.. i hafta work from 3 to 5. so 6 would be a nice time. if its too late i can skip work.

scary movie 2..or 3.. i think its 2...is on comedy central.. fun. i dont think ill watch it. i did online shopping..sorta..more of jsut ..pick out what i want and then wait til i get paid to get it. Stephanies getting me this brown track jacket from nordstroms since she works there..so..woop woop.

I found this hizzot brown jacket with fur on the collar at pacsun...I think i might hafta get it. .. i called my mom to get my black messenger bag back. Fair game.. i got it from my dead cousin..i figure shed be nice enough to give it back..i dont wanna spend money on a new one. plus this one says MAL. rad! RADRADRADRAD.

Can you tell im keeping myself entertained? Because I am.

My dad squeezes his pop cans. Its like a mark of the sean.

I should call dustin for that coffee day. I need someone to talk to. I'm so god damn lonely. Wheres tom. Where the hell did he run off to. Yes. I do know where he is. I'm just bitching. What if he got so high/drunk..he forgot he had a girlfriend.

I dont know whether id laugh, get pissed, or just drink til i forgot i had a boyfriend too. I never did take advantage of that tequila in my house that everyone thinks was thrown away. I think ill save that for a rainy day... like... on rainy school mornings. Things will have more interest.

mmm...i found a nice mewithoutyou shirt today. didnt have my size. i could buy it then make it smaller though...but that involves work.

ok..well..im done.

oh i love my friends...

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 19:09:06 GMT

I'm so lonely. This is janked.

I tried to tell myself I'd work the weekend. Nope. Didnt. Sat and played video games. Tea party even canceled itself to wednesday.

I better like this girl of yours....aly and danielle. Is cam coming?

I miss tom.

back to video games.

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 05:13:27 GMT

Tea PARTY TOMORROW!!!!! seriously...bring a 16 layer cake.

Man in the mirror... the worst acting I have yet to see on a VH1 movie. By far. Yet I must watch the encore tomorrow night. its not done yet...commercial over.... woopa.

Poor dustin i must say. WE did have a common though. We are both lonely. We shall have coffee when he gets back. I look forward. So much to talk about..so little time..

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 03:07:22 GMT

"I'm Rick James BITCH!"

Rick James died. Janked.

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 17:50:27 GMT

I'm on the verge of killing someone. See...its past me even thinking about killing myself...that would be stupid and pointless and it would just make people happy.... i wish killing were legal. Someone make it legal. I'm in a horrible mood. I wish more little notes would fall out of Johnny.

::From every heart you break::

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 17:49:30 GMT

I'm in a state of unhappiness. Not quite sure why. Last night I had come to the conclusion that it is, indeed, this city itself, that causes my grief.

But one day that will end. One day, as in, college. I'm going to do some research on Chico State. I loved the enviroment. I loved the people. I loved the city, and the calmness. When I was there, I was in a state of peace. One that is indescribeable.

I look forward to leaving. I'd like these next two years to be the fastest years possible.

I am selfish. I am desperate. I am lonely. I am uneased. I am unglued. Shame on me.

Things are better if I stay sobered up.

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 19:01:33 GMT

oh the mornings the days and the nights are going by so fast.

All of this. It went by so fast. I dont remember it. I dont want to. I'm happy. I'm at ease. And I have my job back.

I had a semi scary, yet pervish, interesting dream. I was on The Assistant. And I told Andy that I was going to cut myself out of the game. And I made very hurtful remarks to him on the way out.

Then...damn you Battle Royale, but I was in a house, with Tom and some other people (aly and danielle), and we had a few pens, yes pens, and different people would come in, and no one would kill those people like we were supposed to. So I took the pens and started stabbing the people who would walk in. I also sliced the Hugh playboy owner fellow in half. His lower body was gone yet he still managed to keep talking.

All in all. I have a movie plan.

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 17:34:49 GMT

::just give me what I need::

What a day What a day.

I worked yesterday. I only made 37.50. I could have made more. But I got all worried because my parents ran away from me. Honestly.

They left. Didn't tell me. They always tell me where they go. And I tried calling my moms phone. And she didnt answer. So I went home. Sat down to ATHF, and called my dads phone... it rings...right next to me.

Why have a phone if you never have it on, or with you.

But anyways, I grounded them, took away their privaleges. At least I tell them that I'm gone. I may not tell them where I'm going, but at least they know I'm ...not going to be home.

So.. I'm working again today. I'll try to make a bit more moola this time. Unless Tom calls. I'm hoping my dad gets off work a bit early.

I'm going to attempt to ask him to go camping with me. I havn't camped in awhile. David Hickey and I were going to a looong time ago. But everytime I try to make plans with him, it never works out. I finallly got a message on my phone that was from a few weeks ago from him about him having a gathering at his house.... well..its a bit too late for that now isn't it!

Well I'm going to eat some breakfast, do some cleaning, and then... who knows.

"Well..I was on the freeway..for the first time...and I got so scared..I just...I just needed to hear your soothing voice. Sing me a lullaby please." - Umeko.

SISTER IM NOT MUCH A POET BUT A CRIMINAL

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 21:11:07 GMT

WHATS LIFE LIKE BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR

I've never had to schedule things out. I've always had time to squeeze things in. But now that I'm looking at this future year ahead of me, I have come to realize that I have nothing left when it comes to time. And I'm worried.

Summer will pass, and then comes along a new year. The time will be a slim considering the school of hell I'm going to end up at. And after school, I must work. I don't really have certain hours. I get payed by how hard I work. Meaning If I work for about 2 to 3 hours, then each day I work I'll make at least 40 to 50.

I've been asked to skate this upcoming season. And I don't have the ability to say no. Or else I would. practices are tuesday, thursday and sunday for 2 hours. At night. The most inconvenient time. And at the same time I need to squeeze in time for a certain someone. And still do my homework.

I'm debating. Get a car first. Or just continue to save the money so that I can move to a cheap ass apartment the day I turn 18. By then I'll have enough money to settle me in with bills, and still have job. Of course I'll need a roomate. I can't afford all that at once. its too much. But I do indeed, need to get out of the house and carry on the way I might like to. Because the close mindedness of this family is a burden on us all and it only makes things worse for us.

:::and if they get me and the sun goes down:::

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 16:22:32 GMT

I had the best day ever yesterday. I really did. Since my cleaning fetish kicked in the previous day of yesterday, My mom allowed me to sit on my ass and watch T.V and she brought me food. Wonderous. My grandma left too. We were going to go back to CAlifornia, but plans got messed with and it didn't work out. But I'm glad. Two weeks is too long.

So then Tom called. And he came and got me and we went to his house and watched Hellboy. As cheesy of a movie as that was..I still enjoyed it. Maybe it was the whole hell idea.

Then at 7:30 we went put put golfing with people I havn't seen in so long. I was so happy, and we all had so much fun. Smiles all around. There was Kim, Bryce, Kevin, Dan,Maggie, her boyfriend..(I feel bad because he almost forgot my name and jokingly i made fun of him, and now I forgot his) me, Tom, Emmit. I think that was it. But it was a hell of a blast.

But then, as my day is going so wonderful my mom calls, said she talked to my my boss, and that there were some good and bad things that we "needed" to talk about when I got home. So my parents found out that I smoked. And since I walked in the door and said... SMoking is bad for the lungs, I quit when all this stuff happened. My mom said. Well Good answer. Anyways..the good news now!

You got your job back.

Wow. Can we say good day.

And I think today will be good too. Just cuz I got an email that was.....verrrry nice.

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 02:09:32 GMT

oh a day it has been. I have been ever so much productive. Finished that scarf. Pulled out the ol' black and white pastels and charcoal. Made deep use of them. Worked on a piece for 3 hours. I marked my jeans black with a hint of grey insert.

Took a nap until 4 something, then tom called, went back to bed, then woke up finally. Had another throbbing headache so I drank enough caffiene to suit me until I could get up the strength to make more. I did shower today. I swear, looks arn't everything. Sweat is dripping all of my make-up off, excluding my eyes.

Still havn't changed my pants. Going over to Toms, and I still probably won't change my pants. It's nice to have someone love you, regardless of how rusty you may look....and still "claim" that you look gorgeous.

My family went out to see I Robot. I caught the last 10 minutes of it in Morgan Hill. It looked good, but I'm not in the mood to sit right now. Oh and my oh my. I have the oppertunity to go back to california. That is, if my sister is up for it. My aunt is flying down from the netherlands. I miss her a lot. And at times I like to think that she is my mother and my father would be an uncle who just took custody of me. We are similar persona's. I would like to go. The spontaniousness in me is directly from her chain of blood.

A first. I am all alone in my household. It's not as nice as I would have hoped.

Fitz called me today! But I missed the call. The reason for not callign him back? I don't know. I just didn't. My mother questioned that, because she knows fitz, and thinks hes a great kid, and she also knows that I have fun with him and Ketler. He had been in guatemala. (spelled that wrong) for a month. I'll give him a call tomorrow and make plans for a weekend road trip.

I have a coffee meeting tomorrow. I finally confirmed something with someone. I got my ass in gear! I have my portfolio set up, although the actual shirts...I.. left in another state. I didn't finish them anyways. They needed some touching up. The transfer was too thick. But I look forward to it.

It was semi irritating. I picked up this clothing design idea to get away from the (now very popular) wheat pasting finese thats occured. So that I wouldn't take over some peoples... thing to do. You know who you are... But noww Dustin is thinking of designing. And at first I was revengeful. (hah..look...my own name in a feeling. Revenge.) But I thought. And I said to myself.

You wise ass bastage. Why would you get mad at someone for doing something they find interest in. And I know that his designs and mine will be completely different. Considering, mine are all revenge images. People striking back at the simple things that need a good ass kicking. And his, Will be more...artsy. I hate to say it. But yes..artsy.

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 17:17:51 GMT

Watched every episode of ATHF from season two last night.

My sisters listening to kids bob 5. I honestly think that whoever created this was a genious... so many kids want it, but don't realize that its other people's songs sung by kids and church choir adults.

But hey..its keeps the chil'en quiet.

Today is nice. I woke up at a decent time finally, and then cleaned my room. A number keeps calling my cell, and I'm nt too sure who it is, so I don't plan on ever answering it. That's not right I know. But I'll feel bad if I answer it, realize I don't want to talk to em, and hang up. So I just turned it off.

My phone bill is going to be irregularly low this month. Which is good because I don't have a job anymore.

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 00:22:19 GMT

Miso soup complete with the works of tofu, seaweed and shiitake shrooms. Oh baby. But I have come to understand that making this soup really is an art and you must practice until perfection. I've only made it a few times, and it gets a bit better each time. No more of adding too much seaweed. Oh the sweet ocean taste in your mouth.

Able to go outside of my house with someone other than a family member. So of course, went to Toms and he made the most delectable sandwich ever imaginable. Not without a cigarette of course. The buzz was extremely intense. I missed the sweet taste of cancer.

My sisters singing into the fan. Shes starting a trend I tell you. A trend. A bloody trend.

Finally recieved messages on my phone today. I got an unpleasant one asking to tell "her" before I told the whole world (livejournal) what was going on. Well deary, I beg of you to listen when I tell you that three people know what happened. You don't. Nor does anyone who reads my rusty busty livejournal, because I said nothing of the situation on it. And I don't plan on telling anyone else. I told one person, and he told two more, but they were asked not to say anything.... And I truly believe that they wont.

I'm healing. I'm better. Life isn't a drag, and killing oneself is completely out of the question, especially when we all have something, or someone to live for. I'm in love with life right now.

And I've turned around all the bad things, intoo, GOOD things. As for, my family is making me skate next season. I've come to the conclusion that it's all for the better.

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 07:10:18 GMT

im normal.

wishing upon those stars is starting to pay off.

An uncomfortable couch and the sound of a left on Television

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 17:35:47 GMT

Why are we not leaving yet. For christs sake. Its to the point where I've gone irrational and have decided to just blurt out profanities hoping she will see how little time we have.

Then I sit back, and notice that I am exactly like her. Random, short tempered, and always in need of a good laugh and some time with friends. Friends are golden, and they may not last, but their memories do.

well, I'm off! That was short and sweet. I might go back into hiding. It depends on how many privaleges I may or may not have recieved back by the time of day that I return home. I know what to get Tom for his birthday. I just havn't gotten it yet.

:::: still waiting for that train ::::

gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 07:24:52 GMT

well wasnt that just an odd 30 minutes.

So..I called Tom at around 11:30. I'm outside. Sitting watching the stars and swinging on the swing. This huge light is flashing and its a helicopter. It flies ahead and shines its overly bright light right on myself, holds it there for a second, and leaves. To never be seen again.

I saw a star shower. If wishing on falling stars comes true, then maybe things will be a little different for myself, and those I care about.

I hope it all comes true.

I'm telling you the truth, I'm O.K!!! (trust me) . I'm not ok I'm not ok.

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 02:01:25 GMT

A panda walks into a restaraunt. He orders a side of bamboo and calmy eats it. He gets up, takes out a gun, and shoots the waiter. The waiter slowly asks, "Why did you shoot me?" In a comeback voice the Panda says, "Look it up.." And he throws the waiter a dictionary and leaves the . The waiter looks up Panda in the dictionary..

Panda - Large bear like animal, eats, shoots, and leaves.

Well, we're back in Chico. Its nice. I can't swim though. I talked to my dad back home and explained to him how high spirited I've been, how I've changed my bad habits, and even some of my good ones. I needed the change, and I got the change. I am, however, worried that going back home might change this state of mind I've obtained. ( The Happy, at ease, relaxed state.) <--- Yea. That one right there.

I still wish a train would sidewind me. Good for a change.
And I'd get a free ride.

I've been in a shady mood. I am choosing not to make a new entry, just, because. But My shirt is sticking to my skin and causing it to bleed and pus. Delicious and delectable. Thats right. Thats right. Ive had a constant headache.

My food intake has consisted of lots of tofu and soup and spinach, and green tea. And Rice crackers wrapped in Seaweed. Im hyperglycemic I'm finding out. My Aunt is, and so is my grandpa. I think my sister might be.. In fact most people are. Basically when you dont eat every two hours you get horrific mood swings and refuse to eat. Which is a burden due to the fact that you need the food. But this explains an abundance of things. And thats what I need right now.

A fucking explanation.

I talked to Tom today and tonight. Its his birthday. He's not in a good mood. Understandable. I wish I could make him happy on his birthday. But I'm no good at it, and I'm 800 miles away. And thats not doing much good. I miss him a lot. I don't like not seeing him. I really don't. I think thats been the answer for my bad moods.

Must have lost all my memories
Must have blacked 'em all out
Thank god for the pictures, yeah
Didn't burn in the house

Stand inside
Knees fall to the ground
I pray take me far away
From everything that I am
I pray take me far away
Everything that I am

Escape is the only way out
Escape is the only way out
Escape is the only way out

Only way out

I've escaped! Am I out now? Oh I wish I was. I hope I am.

oh hell...

can i go out and kill tonight
rip the veins from human necks
until they're wet with life razor-blades
love teenage flesh an epidermoty
i'll bring back a souvenir
for it's my mommy's dream
can i go out and kill tonight, kill tonight
killed a girl on lovers' lane
i kept her toes and teeth
every night i stalk around
until i find my keep
i'll bring back a souvenir
for it's my mommy's dream
can i go out and kill tonight, kill tonight
kill tonight, kill tonight kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight kill tonight, kill tonight can i go out and kill tonight, kill tonight kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight kill tonight, kill tonight...ohhhh mommy.

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 07:07:47 GMT

Well I got the tattoo...5 hours later and only 200..which was cheap considering the hourly rate..125 an hour.. but we spent a lot of time talking.. sadly about things like..my boyfriend and his girlfriend...it was a contest to see whose was better...i think i won?... I left that detail out of mine and toms conversation though... i dont like to seem all...attatched... but i am. WHATreyagonna do.

Its about 6 1/2 inches up my side..2 inch width... 1/3 green, 2/3 red... banner that says VIVER with touches of yellow and brown for shading..and a little compas star.. by the time he got to that i was so irritated with my lack of food i told him to just surprise me... its blue and yellow...it was a happy surprise. I love those colors together.

Carlos : wanna smoke?

Me :... yes. YES.

Carlos : wanna cigarette too?

Me:. isnt that what you.........errrr... drug test in awhile.

Carlos : well...while I smoke a bowl heres a few cigs to keep you busy.

sO... I had a nice time in an enviroment more like something I'm used to. Art talk, cigarettes and coffee, and stories, and how sweet our other person is. I've become the bitch.

Well. Tom didnt seem to happy talking to me today. I think I just made his headache worse. He didnt say anything. Orlando was over..so i tried to get off the phone cuz I hate taking orlandos friend expecially when hes off to Japan for so long. but Tom refused...yet...still seemed irritated. I'm hoping it was just the headache. But with my luck... He'll get tired of me within a week.. thats what happenes when I finally find someone worth time.

I go back to Chico tomorrow. then next day..home. I'm only looking forward to seeing tom. Other than that I really really really dont want to go home.

I wish I knew what went on in the heads of the people folk.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 17:31:54 GMT

soo..i get my tattoo in a few hours. I'm nervous. I have this vision of it working out for a few minutes..then me screaming and running with the needle stuck in my body and getting pulled back by the cord.

"BEHOLD! TO THIS OBJECT I HAVE MADE LOVE!"

" im sure some people will find that interesting"

"BABY BOY!"

But anyways..after this shannanigan... since i leave saturday for that reckindge doc appt... I'm dancin! in San Fransisco!..with a bunch of friends... theres this huge dance in the middle of the streets ... and its all cultural. So ..I'm prepared for POVERTY DANCAGE!

My head itches. Ohhh..its hotter in Washington than it is down here...or so i hear. It could be lies.. That mother of mine overexxagerates... Apparently it took her 12 hours to clean the living room. Those of you who have been to my house know that its overly small...and no matter how hard you try to clean it..it SHALL always look like a shithole. I think shes trying to clean until the walls disappear and all thats left is BLUe sky.

Good luck miss. I must urinate.

Guess I can give up on the Printer.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 08:44:08 GMT

This conversation. I feel guilty. Overly shady. And... yet... so very pleased with my acting skills. I knew they would come in handy.

Joe: body graphics how may i help ya!

me:... umm..i had an appt. there tonight at 8:30... now..I went..and carlos said that since i didn't have ID I'd hafta wait and talk to you..who I would presume to be the owner if I'm correct?

Joe: Were you the portegue with the country outline and VIVER on top?

Me: Yup...thats me

Joe: Who cares about ID. I trust a fellow gue. Can you come in tonight?

me: tomorrow at 3?

Joe : thats perfect..whats ur name again.

me : Mallory

Joe : alright..cute name!.well we look forward to seeing you. Carlos said it's about 2 hours worth of tattooing so thats around 200 dollars, but we might let ya go for 100 since your a portegue.

for once having a poverty backround is a good thing.I'm stoked. I knew this shady place in the middle of san juan batiste would come in handy. Specially since its next to a harley shop!

LETS GO GET HEP B... score.

I dont care for them folk... Which folk?... Them Blind ones.... Mallory!? thats horrible.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:24:50 GMT

Being the overly shady GENIOUS! that I am... Or the complete fool who is wasting her time attempting to hook together this scanner... EITHER WAY! I'm bound to get this god saked tattoo. I wont stop trying till I get out of this state. And when I get back... then...ill just have some guy in a garage do it and get hepatitus. Small price.

Anyways... back to this.. I've decided that I am a man at heart. I am refusing to look at these hot damned directions..not only because its a poster... meaning I must use un necessary arm strength... but on the shadier side... the pictures resembles the pictures drawn by steve from Blues clues.

Basically ..the printer looks like a box. And the cords are like ... well... cords...whatreyagonnado.

I got really off topic..I meant to say.. I went to that appt I had..the guy asked for ID. No harm there...but I did let him know that I had nothing on me in this state stating my age..and that its all in Washington with my father...so I'll do what I did with my many progress reports and scan, cut, paste, reprint, touch up. and Voila...instant..SHADY ASS id.

And if it doesnt work..oh well...I can use the scanner for un needing pictures of my hands doing strange things.

oh god mother hell i need a USB cord..and i dont think it came with one. OH LOOK! USB CORD NOT INCLUDED .. and its in bold...but very tiny font. Theres gotta be a useless one laying...lying...around.

Went to Japan Town and got a tea set. Its HELLA adorable.

head hit!. damn you late 90s software..damn you. oh my head.

Oh i miss Tom. I called him a few minutes ago to let him know of my shady genious idea...but he didnt answer...im in hopes that its due to him partying... just i want him to be having a good time... i am.

oh my head.